The Frat Boy's Dictionary

"Dude, that shit is hella miscellaneous." ~Random Girl on Street

Putting aside my hatred of the word 'hella' and its equally evil counterpart 'hecka,' I have to say that this is possibly the funniest sentence I have ever had the pleasure of noting.

While the rapid deterioration of the American English language saddens me, I reluctantly find myself amused by the results of the ridiculous use of slang and profanity in place of real words. "Real words?" you might ask, taken aback. "Why, Kaitlin, whatever do you mean? Are they not English? Do they not have letters? What makes a word 'real'?"

Real words are often replaced by profanity in an attempt to create a more powerful or intimidating sentence. To give the sentence more oomph, if you will. The latter have real meanings and are never intentionally used to mean something they just simply don't. For example, the word "fuck" has a dictionary meaning: "to have sexual intercourse" or (as a noun) "act of sexual intercourse." However, here are a few examples of the common uses of the word:

1. "I was so fuckin' drunk, dude." (Expected responses: "Sweeeeeet" Or "Niiiiiice" Generally accompanied by a high five.)

Applying the dictionary definition, this would refer to drunken sex-if one has no exception to using "drunk" as an adjective, which I do, but that's another tale. And yet, the speaker obviously means he was incredibly drunk. Unbelievably drunk. Drunk on a level that is past all other levels of drunkenness that he has thus far experienced.

2. "It's a fucking book, man." (Expected responses: "Dude" or "Chill" or some other grudgingly acquiescent colloquialism)

Is the book engaged in intercourse? Is it a book ABOUT sexual intercourse? I suppose the latter might be, while crude, acceptable. Rather, this is used in an annoyed or incredulous manner, usually to make the other person "chill" or to inform him of something he should already know.

3. "Fuck me." (No response necessary.)

No, this is not an engraved invitation. (Generally.) For the most part, this is used as an incredulous expletive following a somehow surprising situation.

Looking back, how can one ask me if "fuck" is a real word? It appears, in modern day English, to be able to replace any word denoted for any sentiment. Considering the increasingly crude veneer of American culture, while the Democrats have unveiled their plans to end this "Culture of Corruption," I don't see this deterioration reversing itself any time soon. I have to say that my faith in our allegedly inevitable redemption has reached a critical low. Forgive my jaded disbelief at their attempts to right the wrongs that they have helped perpetuate. I only have one thing to say to them: Bite me.

Now, "bite me" is another interesting colloquialism...

Hilarity at UC Berkeley

In the past two days it has become apparent that our Berkeley education has meant nothing. At some point, all of the L&S seniors were put on a mailing list called senior_spirit. And then, lo and behold, at 4:52pm, a sorority girl named Dana Rebeccah Cohn sent an email as a reply to the list that said "unsubscribe me." And the hilarity began.

5:00pm: "Unsubscribe me" emails begin flooding innocent bystanders' inboxes. Responding to this egregious error, vindictive seniors bent on retribution begin retaliating, telling the Unsubscribers that they're unforgivably stupid for participating in such an evil act. Some offer sexual favors on the condition that the emailing madness stops.

5:30pm: More seniors send "unsubscribe me" emails. Retaliation increases in verve. [amassed email count: 100]

6:15pm: The Good Samaritans (aka Preaching Patties) come out of the woodwork to inform the second group (we'll call them the Negative Nellies) that they are unforgivably rude and that their obscene behavior is uncalled for. Yet more emails follow while mysterious "subscribe me" emails begin appearing on the scene.

7:30pm: People begin bonding over the debaucle. One man invites the entire senior class out for beer at the Bear's Lair. Affirmative responses follow. [amassed email count: 190]

8:00pm: The t-shirts appear. That's right, t-shirts. Three separate people create merchandise on www.cafepress.com that reads "Unsubscribe Me: UC Berkeley Class of 2006."

12:00am-5:00pm: 293 emails appear to reach a critical mass of 493

At 5:04pm, January 17th 2006, after an average of 250 emails per day, the list was, sadly, shut down, and so ended the most prolific 24 hours in calmail history. We seniors will mourn the loss of this truly valuable electronic resource. I know I shall miss seeing the friendly "194 New Messages" alert in my inbox window every day. In memory of this truly unforgettable college experience, Prathna and I have decided to wear the t-shirts under our gowns on graduation day.

Farewell Class of 2006. And Go Bears.

In Other News:
Myung wants a flame retardant graduation gown so he can set it on fire as he walks up to the stage.
Danica has created yet another totally bodacious costume. This one is Zatanna. Don't ask me. All I know is that she's cool.
Teale is, worryingly enough, calling the Lover's Holiday of this year "the most diabolical Valentine's Day ever." I'm not sure I want to know what this "grand surprise" is that he's been waxing on about.

The Inequities of our Apartment

Danica is moving downstairs to take over the in-law style apartment. This is quite cool since she will now have a larger room and less rent. It's kind of cool for us because she's not a very loud person, but I don't know who her roommate will be, so the whole Kaitlin-not-sleeping issue is still up in the air. The best part is that Hilary will be moving in with us. This is very exciting. It'll be like a sleepover all the time.

However, things are beginning to get complicated. Danica recently went through the house and provided Devika and I with a list of things she'll be taking down to the apartment with her. The list includes practically all of our common area furniture. This makes sense given that she owned it all before we moved in and offered it as furniture, but it's sudden disappearance will leave Devika and I in a bit of a lurch. Thus, I have a feeling we will be spending the next few weeks trolling for couches and things on craigslist.

If you know of any furniture for sale that is lacking in mysterious stains or smells, please let me know.

Frustration

So, my reading list has once again been deconstructed. I found out that I couldn't bring Tricky Business down here with me because my father is taking it to England; Death on the Nile and The Mysterious Affair at Styles had to be culled because my mom donated them to Paul Bunyan* while I was at school; and Prince Caspian was inadvertantly left on my nightstand.

Annoying as all that is, the fact that school starts in two days and I just barely finished Sunshine is chafing more than anything. It was supposed to be an easy read. A mere 400 pages of novelistic sensationalism. No problem for my overly active English-major, novel devouring habits. Unfortunately, this assumption was made before I realized that the book was about vampires. Yeah, vampires. Then, it was a whole new ballpark.

I know, with a name like Sunshine I should have seen it coming, right? The thing is, I didn't. I never thought this would be a fantasy novel of epic proportions such as it was. I mean, it was 400 pages, but it felt like reading 400 pages of Dune or Stranger in a Strange Land. Not as good, but just as dense.

So now I'm pathetically far behind on my break reading list, which is, currently, as follows:

1. Grave Sight [check]
2. Twilight [check]
3. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe [check]
4. Sunshine [check]
5. Join Me [in progress]
6. On the Road
7. The Traveller
8. Trickster's Queen

Off to feed my mind, which is, sadly, disintegrating as I type from the malevolent cold that will not go away.

* For those who do not live in Fort Bragg, Mendocino or surrounding areas, Paul Bunyan refers to the local Goodwill store.

The Amazing Disintegrating Pretzel

Woah. I was trying to eat pretzels (aka lunch) at the same time as I was writing an email, which was apparently a bad call on my part, because I bit into one (an act I've simulated several thousand times over my short life span as I'm something of a pretzel fiend) and it practically disintegrated all over the couch. I swear to God, more crumbs appeared than what originally made up the pretzel.

Sorry, just had to share my shock and amazement.

Nomadic Daughter Returns

I'm finally back from Simi Valley. I know, you all missed me terribly. I had fun, though. I stayed with Devi and she showed me around Simi, which apparently means taking me to Northridge.

Danica's party was pretty fabulous. Her parents put together this slideshow and set to music pictures of her life. It was pretty cool. There were some really cute photos. However, there was a photo of me on there. From Halloween. I blame Devika for this and will seek photographic retribution as soon as we are back in Berkeley.

Two bad things occurred while I was down there, though. First off, my iPod died. After three years of faithful service, I'm really not surprised it felt the need to move on to the other realm. Still, I'll miss Billy Bob. (Just kidding. Wait, did you really think that I named my iPod? *snorts*) Then, the other bad thing...I spent way too much on clothes. It was horrible. Clothing and gas ate up almost my entire expense budget. Granted, my expense budget was about two hundred dollars, but still! Luckily Devika's parents like to feed people. I'm kind of scared to look at my account balance.

I'm leaving for Berkeley in a couple of days. On the twelfth to be exact. So I've been making plans for the rest of the week.

Today, I'm having lunch with my mom and buying my books and supplies for school. Then I have to call back the people who called me while I was in LA, since I didn't have service in Devika's house. (It hated me.)

Tuesday, I have a doctor's appointment and I need to check the mail and pick up stuff for my mom. All of which necessitates going to Mendocino, so I'll be getting a Mendo Market sandwich, as well.

Wednesday, will be spent packing and hopefully seeing people before I head back. My parents are having dinner at some friends' house, so I'm on my own for that meal. I do have to finish some of the snacks that Maggie and I bought for our all night marathon but didn't eat. But I'm hoping that my dinner will be slightly more substantial than that.

Thursday it's hasta la vista Fort Bragg and hola Berkeley.

I think I'm actually going to miss Fort Bragg this time. Shocking. No, not really. But usually I'm in an all fired hurry to get back to Berkeley after a break. This time, while I do feel the rush, I'm not antsy. Odd.

Revamped Reading List

I've been looking over my reading list and the various piles of potential add-ons in my room for the past couple of days. Since my project was to intersperse less scary volumes in with my original list, I believe I've reached a suitable goal list.

1. Grave Sight [check]
2. Twilight [check]
3. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe [check]
4. Sunshine [in progress]
5. Join Me
6. Tricky Business
7. Prince Caspian
8. Death on the Nile
9. On the Road
10. The Mysterious Affair at Styles
11. The Traveller
12. Trickster's Queen

However, I've noticed that, at the rate I'm going now, I'll never finish all these books before school begins again. This makes me sad. But I can't bring myself to hope for a quick or light semester, like I usually do, because this is my last one. So I feel even more melancholy.

My mean reds apparently aren't going away any time soon.